40 hours

It’s been about 20 days that I have been here, now, this time. It’s been about 7 hours since my last asana practice. It took somewhere over 40 hours to get back here from Mysore. Now I think maybe 40 is better then 24. Perhaps the total waste I felt gave some gravity to the situation, to the truth of the length of the destination.

This Ted talk said if you want to change your life you have to tell the truth. To stop saying you are fine all the time. I say I am fine all the time, especially when I am not. I don’t like to bother or burden or give too much of myself to the negative. I see now that this is not the way forward. Not only can no one help you but they can not know you either. I saw this with my family and yoga. Giving them vague answers to questions so I would not bore them with the details, except that the details were me. By not sharing I held myself away, then I stopped. They have now stopped asking why I go to Mysore so much, they understand it, as to say they understand me. We love better now. There are many places to go with this but it is late, feels sometimes too late.

Maybe we can love better now.

Saying what is really happening forces me look at my situation clearly, many times a day. I can see how this brings change, I don’t want to keep saying the same shit for the next five years. If I say that I am fine I never have to hear the truth either.

In three days on the 23 I turn 32. First time my birthday has ever felt like this, like I have missed the mark on something. It is very much not a husband kids thing, this has never been a measuring stick of mine.

There is the most amazing breeze coming in my window right now.

My friend and I sat at the park today and talked about balance. About the discipline of practice and keeping life limber as well.

For 9 years I was vegetarian and one time for one year I was vegan this resulted in an extra 7 pounds. Now I am a dietary independent. Now I eat whatever I want. Some flexibility has come from all this asana after all.