January 1

Never been too much of a new years person, don’t think there has ever been a resolution. Yesterday I sat at the kitchen table and started to list all of the things that were new in the last year. The list was crazy long. There were some small items and some pretty big ones, moving to a big new city in my old country and becoming part of a new country. Seems amazing looking back. There were also some cute ones like finally learning how to do my hair and what colors to wear on my face, I think this comes with moving to NYC. So many new friends, some new kinds of pain, and one retreat in California that changed the game completely.

As always I can only write from my experience and this one is so new also my understanding so small…

I sit with many hours on the clock to find the words to share with you this experience that for me is beyond language. So lets start in Cali and see what comes of it.

I first went to Big Sur with my mom, Phil, and Ali maybe 10 years ago. I had never seen or felt anything like, it so much love and healing was there. I have been back may times since then and every time the energy of the place has healed something inside me, it is the only place in the world I say this about. I wanted to go back and was looking at the schedule at Esalen when I saw Richard Freeman’s name. I did not need much more then this but when I read the retreat was in silence I was in. I booked immediately and bought my plane ticket right then. OK so I did not know any of the other teachers or really what was going to happen but I figured a week in Big Sur would be amazing.

A few months & one long plane ride later I was walking around Monterey breathing in the other ocean’s air and feeling pretty fucking happy. I met Shelly and the others in the van on the way down the coast and not one of them was going with Richard as their main interest. At this point I start asking about the other teachers (I had not even goggled them) and everyone started in with these stories about how amazing they are.

4 teachers & we had each 1x a day

we were split into 2 groups depending on length of practice

silence except question time just before dinner

1 question time with each teacher over the week

retreat title “Yoga and Buddhism”

Teachers: Richard Freeman, Sarah Powers, Tias Little, Patricia Sullivan

The first and biggest impression that was made on me was the compassion and love these teachers had for all of us. I had never seen Buddhism embodied in this way. This was not your typical “I have to do what’s best for me in this moment” while I shit on everyone else, kind of spirituality. There was not the exclusivity with the air of superiority I had seen in other spiritual circles. Some pure love was there and I was intrigued to say the very least.

After the first class with Sarah my life was changed and there was no going back. There was however question time. I explained that have some grounded practices in my life that bring tremendous benefit but I still end up in these moments where I feel like my brain/self/something has been hijacked and I can not behave in the way that I know my true self wants to. It is in these moments that I like I have no control and no idea what to do about it. For me it was mostly around food and patience. I felt very vulnerable/embarrassed asking this question to someone I did not know in a room full of people who did not know me. Sarah smiled a smile that felt like a hug and said “has anyone else ever felt that way?” every hand in the room went up and I was no longer alone. She went on to explain the mindfulness practices, what they do, and how to practice them. I have been practicing them daily, many times a day, since that moment.

The silence allows things to work their way up maybe even work it out but certainly there is benefit that comes from not speaking all the time. In talking I solidify my stories so much so that I believe them. In silence I am able to observe the rising and passing of thoughts, emotions, beliefs…

One evening after Tias’s Dharma talk I asked about faith. I don’t understand faith within a practice where there is no God. I asked if he could possibly mention it tomorrow. He paused a moment and then said “start by having faith in your life”. I sat with it that night and then again alone in the mineral baths at 4 the next morning. As I watched the white of the waves, the electric shine of the shooting starts, and ran my fingers back and forth over the wet rocks something shifted. An understanding sank deep inside me that I have no language to explain, it just was. It very very much was and it is as I sit here now.

I soaked up every moment of that week. I allowed every Dharma talk way in, every sitting or moving practice I was present for in a new way.

I cannot explain Buddhism to you, or the mindfulness practices, I am not a meditation teacher. I can recommend books like Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach or A policy of Kindness by the Dalai Lama. I can express my deepest gratitude to these teachers who have shown so much light into my life, into my heart. I can feel my bandwidth of inclusively and compassion growing. I have a very strong/sweet interest in cultivating Bodhicitta.

I am so blessed to have this time now in Mysore not only to practice Ashtanga Yoga with my teacher and this amazing community of practitioners but also to sit. I read some things then I sit with them. I talk a little, being mindful with my words and sit with that too. My low back (between L4&L5 & QLs) is screaming pretty loud so I sit with it and all it brings up. Last night I sat with Simon and we drink our New Years Eve tea and spoke of the past year of our lives.

I made no resolution this morning just read from “Essence of the Heart Sutra” the Dalai Lama’s heart of wisdom teachings and then sat for some time.