writing after 3 green tea lattes.

Most Sundays here Sharath holds conference. He will talk a bit as we listen and laugh then there is a time for questions. Beware if you ask a question though, you may get more then you wanted back. He might explain why we do so many asanas “1^st practice asana to stabilize body and mind. Without this how can yoga happen? For that (yoga) you need to discipline this body and mind.”

We take asana so yoga can happen, Sharath says. It reminds me of something I read perhaps in Shadows on the path “you can use a stick to point at the moon but don’t confuse the stick with the moon.” For me asana is very much the stick. I genuinely do not give a shit what someone who sees my practice thinks. First they must not be minding their dristi and second it’s the stick, for real people.

I take asana so that I can see my shit more clearly, in that book he (abdi assadi) says one of my very favorite things “you can not clean your face by splashing water at the mirror”. I sit still so I can observe what is happening inside so I don’t get confused and blame those around me for my crazy. When the asana talk becomes too much I have to sit and observe what about this steals my om shanti and how I can have more compassion (first for myself then for others). I work hard, I am not lazy and would be very disappointed if the whole reason that I stand on my head is to be able to stand on my head.

I believe that through the asana practice I am cultivating equanimity. That a sign this asana practice is changing me is that as I am able to do things I was not before there is no disturbance inside. It’s abiding in the deep-rooted joy, the knowing we all have a buddha nature. I give my very best to the practice but believe that would be of little value if I were not giving my best at seeing child who needs love in every person I stand in front of. Also the one inside me.

If you do not take practice it is hard to explain how asana brings about these changes, it is an experiential understanding. “Asana is the foundation of spiritual building” Sharath tells us. You need “devotion, dedication, discipline, determination”.

Last Week

As far as weeks go this has been a pretty eventful one. There was one years back that may have been as good but outside of that there is only this.

Last Saturday I went in for my first ever MRI, a loud and strange 40 min. Went and had a few coconuts then back for the films, 5 films and I got them all. They gave me a paper with the results and one doctor explained a bit to me. I thought there was some sort of problem between L4 and L5, and there it was on film the disc is out to the left pressing up against the nerve root. This would explain perhaps why putting my left leg behind my head sends electricity up the spine. Some pain is there in most poses but with full awareness I have signed up for what it has to teach me. Some friends have been very helpful sharing wisdom of how to work more intelligently in the body. I am learning many new things about myself, more softness is there.

Then came Sunday when Sharath gave me the application for authorization. I looked at Lauren with a bit of wonderment. I could see we both were wondering, if this was the type of application that can get rejected or that by receiving it you are accepted kind. I filled it out and took it back to him and he printed out another sheet of paper that assured me I was in. Lauren said, “you can totally cry now” so I sat down on the steps of the shala and had a moment. For those of you unfamiliar with traditional Ashtanga this is not at all the sort of paper you get after a one-month “teacher training”. It is really very very different, but that is all I will say about that.

On Tuesday Sharath said that I could assist in the shala next year, as there are already too many people here who have not got to yet. I said I was very happy to do it next year. Then he said my certificate would be ready Thursday afternoon.

Thursday morning when I had taken my spot and was about to begin my practice he came over to my mat and said to come back at 9:30 and assist, “today” I said “today” he said. My practice was a bit scattered really then I quickly poked out for a coco and back in at 9:30 for the scariest 2 hours of teaching in my life.

Friday was the led class and everyone kept giving my hugs. I saw so many friends that day and I think they were all as excited as I was/am.

There is one thing on the certificate that stands out for me. Around the middle of the page it says, “I authorize my student” then my name then his signature.

Saturday

I don’t mind the smell of burning garbage as it comes in through my bedroom window this amazing Saturday morning. I can hear horns, birds singing, a train whistling, a scooter rolling past, someone sweeping, a men shouting what he is selling as he walks down the street, down my street 2a or 1a if you come from the other side.

Water boils very quickly here.

Lauren and I spend the afternoon like cats, napping and reading. I read on emptiness while she learns more about how our bodies work. Both very interested in under the obvious, or the naïve nature HHDL might say.

Sharath says I need “more force”. When I mention this to Susan before led she says, “You do look pretty relaxed”.

I wonder why my house does not have any water.

Saturday in Mysore. Yogis fill this little neighborhood and I ended up in a group of them last night and was up well past my bedtime. We talked about the last year of our lives and the things we don’t understand about this place. No asana practice today but many other things to work on no doubt.

The first two weeks here have had their challenges. Some tears have come some pains have increased. The pain is not wasted I feel the layers being pealed/pulled/ripped away, some rawness is exposed. I do believe in it as a vehicle for growth, something to slow me down and bring great awareness to single points. I move more mindfully now and try to “hold the hell out my bandhas” as Tim said (along with many other helpful things).

Yesterday was my first practice ever on the stage. Just in case your reading this and you have not been here before the stage is obviously in the front but in this practice you are always looking different ways, mainly down your nose, so the front is not really a front. What does happen though is Sharath ends up sitting very close during most of the practice. So every updog there he is, I can hear clearly everything he says, and I hope a bit of the magic falls onto me. As I write this I can hear my friends from last night laughing at me. I would not say that I worship him and I do no pretend to have any sort relationship with his children. I did however feel like the luckiest person in the world to be practicing next to his chair.

January 1

Never been too much of a new years person, don’t think there has ever been a resolution. Yesterday I sat at the kitchen table and started to list all of the things that were new in the last year. The list was crazy long. There were some small items and some pretty big ones, moving to a big new city in my old country and becoming part of a new country. Seems amazing looking back. There were also some cute ones like finally learning how to do my hair and what colors to wear on my face, I think this comes with moving to NYC. So many new friends, some new kinds of pain, and one retreat in California that changed the game completely.

As always I can only write from my experience and this one is so new also my understanding so small…

I sit with many hours on the clock to find the words to share with you this experience that for me is beyond language. So lets start in Cali and see what comes of it.

I first went to Big Sur with my mom, Phil, and Ali maybe 10 years ago. I had never seen or felt anything like, it so much love and healing was there. I have been back may times since then and every time the energy of the place has healed something inside me, it is the only place in the world I say this about. I wanted to go back and was looking at the schedule at Esalen when I saw Richard Freeman’s name. I did not need much more then this but when I read the retreat was in silence I was in. I booked immediately and bought my plane ticket right then. OK so I did not know any of the other teachers or really what was going to happen but I figured a week in Big Sur would be amazing.

A few months & one long plane ride later I was walking around Monterey breathing in the other ocean’s air and feeling pretty fucking happy. I met Shelly and the others in the van on the way down the coast and not one of them was going with Richard as their main interest. At this point I start asking about the other teachers (I had not even goggled them) and everyone started in with these stories about how amazing they are.

4 teachers & we had each 1x a day

we were split into 2 groups depending on length of practice

silence except question time just before dinner

1 question time with each teacher over the week

retreat title “Yoga and Buddhism”

Teachers: Richard Freeman, Sarah Powers, Tias Little, Patricia Sullivan

The first and biggest impression that was made on me was the compassion and love these teachers had for all of us. I had never seen Buddhism embodied in this way. This was not your typical “I have to do what’s best for me in this moment” while I shit on everyone else, kind of spirituality. There was not the exclusivity with the air of superiority I had seen in other spiritual circles. Some pure love was there and I was intrigued to say the very least.

After the first class with Sarah my life was changed and there was no going back. There was however question time. I explained that have some grounded practices in my life that bring tremendous benefit but I still end up in these moments where I feel like my brain/self/something has been hijacked and I can not behave in the way that I know my true self wants to. It is in these moments that I like I have no control and no idea what to do about it. For me it was mostly around food and patience. I felt very vulnerable/embarrassed asking this question to someone I did not know in a room full of people who did not know me. Sarah smiled a smile that felt like a hug and said “has anyone else ever felt that way?” every hand in the room went up and I was no longer alone. She went on to explain the mindfulness practices, what they do, and how to practice them. I have been practicing them daily, many times a day, since that moment.

The silence allows things to work their way up maybe even work it out but certainly there is benefit that comes from not speaking all the time. In talking I solidify my stories so much so that I believe them. In silence I am able to observe the rising and passing of thoughts, emotions, beliefs…

One evening after Tias’s Dharma talk I asked about faith. I don’t understand faith within a practice where there is no God. I asked if he could possibly mention it tomorrow. He paused a moment and then said “start by having faith in your life”. I sat with it that night and then again alone in the mineral baths at 4 the next morning. As I watched the white of the waves, the electric shine of the shooting starts, and ran my fingers back and forth over the wet rocks something shifted. An understanding sank deep inside me that I have no language to explain, it just was. It very very much was and it is as I sit here now.

I soaked up every moment of that week. I allowed every Dharma talk way in, every sitting or moving practice I was present for in a new way.

I cannot explain Buddhism to you, or the mindfulness practices, I am not a meditation teacher. I can recommend books like Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach or A policy of Kindness by the Dalai Lama. I can express my deepest gratitude to these teachers who have shown so much light into my life, into my heart. I can feel my bandwidth of inclusively and compassion growing. I have a very strong/sweet interest in cultivating Bodhicitta.

I am so blessed to have this time now in Mysore not only to practice Ashtanga Yoga with my teacher and this amazing community of practitioners but also to sit. I read some things then I sit with them. I talk a little, being mindful with my words and sit with that too. My low back (between L4&L5 & QLs) is screaming pretty loud so I sit with it and all it brings up. Last night I sat with Simon and we drink our New Years Eve tea and spoke of the past year of our lives.

I made no resolution this morning just read from “Essence of the Heart Sutra” the Dalai Lama’s heart of wisdom teachings and then sat for some time.