If you want mangoes...

Carolina says “you’re not going to get mangoes from an apple tree, if you want mangoes plant a mango tree”. I smile because I feel so connected to her in this understanding, this optimism… So much choice.

We watch Sex in The City 2, really just to see the girls and NYC. We talk about men, mostly what we think it means to be a man. We are four women. Over pizza Dana says she wants to be a good role model, and I think I hope to be like her when I am that age, not that I am far off. Pizza brings up relationships too and I am inspired by those who work hard but can see my energy for this is low. Rachel opened her home to me in a way that made feel completely at home, my friend karma is over the top.

From the top I can see the other side, more so I can feel the other side. I feel on the other side. I feel at home here in the beautiful bedroom listening to the children in the bathroom, they have been in there for some time. Sometimes I have wondered what these last years have been about, what this confusion has been about. I have the feeling of taking rest after the practice. You can take rest anytime but it never feels so good as after you have done your full practice. The peace, the gentle buzz that comes over the body, the feelings of floating off the earth, for me these are the sensations of taking rest. I feel as though the last 4 years have been this amazing, long, challenging, rewarding, and expanding practice. Now I feel the buzz of rest, the gentle lift from below. After the work of India and the closing of a chapter in Calgary I can feel the center of my center, I can see what I want. While desirelessness is something to move toward it can feel very refreshing to have desires, to want, to move about. I love Calgary and am happy to have had the chance to live there and be saved by friends there so many times. Leaving I had only to regret that I did not plan the visit for longer but this is a pattern I see clearly inside myself. I must also say that I really really loved by bike and smile so big when I think so cute Em riding around town on it. Everyday I receive more love then I give and this inspires me to be more loving and generous with my smile.

I will spend another week in MI then on to the next chapter, the next season of this amazing life.

Thank you I love you.

Peace

My alarm went off at 4:30 this morning, same as every other day but different. This morning when I heard the alarm by body jumped with panic and I noticed I was crying. I went to the washroom and got dressed for yoga, there were still some tears when I left the house at 5 (or is it five? Lauren would know). I spent much of the weekend on the tele talking with old friends, remembering how soothing that can be how quickly people take you in.

When I was in Purple Valley (or is it Purple Heaven? Tim would know), I had the amazing opportunity to teach with Kino and Tim. I adjusted after my practice during the retreat and it was a blessing on top of a blessing, sort of like the sautéed pineapple I had on top of my coconut bliss last night. I was able to reconnect to teaching yoga but in a backseat sort of way. It be able to assist is someone else’s room, for me, in that moment, was perfect. I love to teach yoga to share what has given so much, I am just not sure how yet. Tomorrow I will teach my brother and sister-in-law, this makes me smile.

I have been back in MI for a week and a half and my body now knows the night from the day. I have been taken care of in the way that my truly amazing family does, and again I learn how to receive. I have been studying with Matthew Darling and loving every moment. I have never heard anyone sound so much like Guruji when leading the opening mantra, so firm and calming. I still stretch before practice and take a block for back bending, this is when Matthew tells me to “lay an egg”. I am constantly being remimded to “keep my heart open and look forward”, this is something I love to hear.

I am beginning to understand that tears are the way I let go. I know that yoga brings it up, and then my shit has a tendency of getting stuck. It sticks in my chest until the tears are ready to carry it out. There has been much anxiety present about ending my time in Calgary. There are so many things I will miss about living there, the mountains and the fresh air will remain a part of me. I already miss walking with great people in the wild of Alberta. I have always said that Calgary makes up for the cold weather by having the warmest people. I cannot say enough about the yoga community. People are so supportive and really take care of each other, I am sad to be leaving this behind. I know that what ever is next in life will be a needed challenge but it is hard to imagine a more genuine community then the one I have been so blessed to be a part of for the last years. It feels strange to be closing this chapter and not knowing what the next will be, this too is a big part of the challenge. There are also my pool friends, more fun than I will write here. I know that there are great people everywhere but in this moment I feel really lucky to have spent the last few years with the ones in Calgary. I learn more each day about shifting perspective and allowing gratitude to bring peace.

It would be a lie to say I have no regrets in life but I never regret telling the truth. I tell more of the truth to myself everyday, perhaps in time this will allow things to move through with out so much resistance.

Today I will stand back and see what my karma is, just the way I watch yours.

I will be in Calgary for a week and then back to Michigan to decide where to spend the summer….