So much love.

I believe her smile when she gives it to me. We step past each other and our eyes meet, we let each other in. For once I am not scanned up and down for whatever about me is offending that day. Sometimes here it feels as though I am offending them every minute of everyday. I could explain that having your middle area exposed would be offensive in my culture, but they have not come to my country.

It’s a sunny about 85 degree afternoon in what is said to be the coldest winter in 17 years. I have been up since 3 this morning and it is taking all the arm strength I have left to type. I have never known this kind if burn. I have been assisting in the Shala for 3 weeks now and it gets better everyday. Another guy got booted today, beginners are supposed to be with Saraswati down the road but everyone thinks they know Ashtanga Yoga. One girl yesterday attempted to take the first pose of second with out being given it and as if this were not bad enough she then could not stand up from a backbend. With Sharath standing over her she looked pretty frightened as he said, “Who is your teacher? (no response) who taught you second without backbends? (again no response) Who is your teacher?!? (I will not repeat the name). I keep meaning to count how many students are in the room at one time but always forget, did count how many sputa kurmasana adjustments I gave today, about 30. During the 9:30-11:30/12 time there is Sharath, Saraswati, 4 other assistants and myself. Yesterday we got sweets “for all your hard work today” he says, I smile. It is so amazing to teach along side of the Guru of the tradition, his is the only opinion that matters. There is no wondering what is correct or debating the best way, only standing firmly connected to roots of the tradition I grew up in/am growing up in. The tradition I now have the blessing to teach. After I finish in the shala I can barely hold my bottle of water to my mouth. I have never been one to stand with my hands on my hips but do it all the time now as they cannot hold themselves. I still can not believe that I get to be a part of someone’s Mysore experience, that I get to stand next to my Guru as we both drop people back, crazy.

My back is doing so much better, I spend at least 3 hours a day doing rehab. And just today, only 6 weeks in, found a better way to sit as I wait to be called into the Shala. Speaking of the waiting room, I have the most fantastic group that I wait with. So many kind smiling faces, people I am happy to get to spend a few moments with so early in the morning. We all wait our turn, entering in the order we arrived. It very much feels like we are in it together.

This is all for now I must go get dressed as we are going to check the timings at the cinema for the weekend. Then to the park to hang up side down for some time. Then to the internet to send this to you. x

writing after 3 green tea lattes.

Most Sundays here Sharath holds conference. He will talk a bit as we listen and laugh then there is a time for questions. Beware if you ask a question though, you may get more then you wanted back. He might explain why we do so many asanas “1^st practice asana to stabilize body and mind. Without this how can yoga happen? For that (yoga) you need to discipline this body and mind.”

We take asana so yoga can happen, Sharath says. It reminds me of something I read perhaps in Shadows on the path “you can use a stick to point at the moon but don’t confuse the stick with the moon.” For me asana is very much the stick. I genuinely do not give a shit what someone who sees my practice thinks. First they must not be minding their dristi and second it’s the stick, for real people.

I take asana so that I can see my shit more clearly, in that book he (abdi assadi) says one of my very favorite things “you can not clean your face by splashing water at the mirror”. I sit still so I can observe what is happening inside so I don’t get confused and blame those around me for my crazy. When the asana talk becomes too much I have to sit and observe what about this steals my om shanti and how I can have more compassion (first for myself then for others). I work hard, I am not lazy and would be very disappointed if the whole reason that I stand on my head is to be able to stand on my head.

I believe that through the asana practice I am cultivating equanimity. That a sign this asana practice is changing me is that as I am able to do things I was not before there is no disturbance inside. It’s abiding in the deep-rooted joy, the knowing we all have a buddha nature. I give my very best to the practice but believe that would be of little value if I were not giving my best at seeing child who needs love in every person I stand in front of. Also the one inside me.

If you do not take practice it is hard to explain how asana brings about these changes, it is an experiential understanding. “Asana is the foundation of spiritual building” Sharath tells us. You need “devotion, dedication, discipline, determination”.

Last Week

As far as weeks go this has been a pretty eventful one. There was one years back that may have been as good but outside of that there is only this.

Last Saturday I went in for my first ever MRI, a loud and strange 40 min. Went and had a few coconuts then back for the films, 5 films and I got them all. They gave me a paper with the results and one doctor explained a bit to me. I thought there was some sort of problem between L4 and L5, and there it was on film the disc is out to the left pressing up against the nerve root. This would explain perhaps why putting my left leg behind my head sends electricity up the spine. Some pain is there in most poses but with full awareness I have signed up for what it has to teach me. Some friends have been very helpful sharing wisdom of how to work more intelligently in the body. I am learning many new things about myself, more softness is there.

Then came Sunday when Sharath gave me the application for authorization. I looked at Lauren with a bit of wonderment. I could see we both were wondering, if this was the type of application that can get rejected or that by receiving it you are accepted kind. I filled it out and took it back to him and he printed out another sheet of paper that assured me I was in. Lauren said, “you can totally cry now” so I sat down on the steps of the shala and had a moment. For those of you unfamiliar with traditional Ashtanga this is not at all the sort of paper you get after a one-month “teacher training”. It is really very very different, but that is all I will say about that.

On Tuesday Sharath said that I could assist in the shala next year, as there are already too many people here who have not got to yet. I said I was very happy to do it next year. Then he said my certificate would be ready Thursday afternoon.

Thursday morning when I had taken my spot and was about to begin my practice he came over to my mat and said to come back at 9:30 and assist, “today” I said “today” he said. My practice was a bit scattered really then I quickly poked out for a coco and back in at 9:30 for the scariest 2 hours of teaching in my life.

Friday was the led class and everyone kept giving my hugs. I saw so many friends that day and I think they were all as excited as I was/am.

There is one thing on the certificate that stands out for me. Around the middle of the page it says, “I authorize my student” then my name then his signature.

Saturday

I don’t mind the smell of burning garbage as it comes in through my bedroom window this amazing Saturday morning. I can hear horns, birds singing, a train whistling, a scooter rolling past, someone sweeping, a men shouting what he is selling as he walks down the street, down my street 2a or 1a if you come from the other side.

Water boils very quickly here.

Lauren and I spend the afternoon like cats, napping and reading. I read on emptiness while she learns more about how our bodies work. Both very interested in under the obvious, or the naïve nature HHDL might say.

Sharath says I need “more force”. When I mention this to Susan before led she says, “You do look pretty relaxed”.

I wonder why my house does not have any water.

Saturday in Mysore. Yogis fill this little neighborhood and I ended up in a group of them last night and was up well past my bedtime. We talked about the last year of our lives and the things we don’t understand about this place. No asana practice today but many other things to work on no doubt.

The first two weeks here have had their challenges. Some tears have come some pains have increased. The pain is not wasted I feel the layers being pealed/pulled/ripped away, some rawness is exposed. I do believe in it as a vehicle for growth, something to slow me down and bring great awareness to single points. I move more mindfully now and try to “hold the hell out my bandhas” as Tim said (along with many other helpful things).

Yesterday was my first practice ever on the stage. Just in case your reading this and you have not been here before the stage is obviously in the front but in this practice you are always looking different ways, mainly down your nose, so the front is not really a front. What does happen though is Sharath ends up sitting very close during most of the practice. So every updog there he is, I can hear clearly everything he says, and I hope a bit of the magic falls onto me. As I write this I can hear my friends from last night laughing at me. I would not say that I worship him and I do no pretend to have any sort relationship with his children. I did however feel like the luckiest person in the world to be practicing next to his chair.

January 1

Never been too much of a new years person, don’t think there has ever been a resolution. Yesterday I sat at the kitchen table and started to list all of the things that were new in the last year. The list was crazy long. There were some small items and some pretty big ones, moving to a big new city in my old country and becoming part of a new country. Seems amazing looking back. There were also some cute ones like finally learning how to do my hair and what colors to wear on my face, I think this comes with moving to NYC. So many new friends, some new kinds of pain, and one retreat in California that changed the game completely.

As always I can only write from my experience and this one is so new also my understanding so small…

I sit with many hours on the clock to find the words to share with you this experience that for me is beyond language. So lets start in Cali and see what comes of it.

I first went to Big Sur with my mom, Phil, and Ali maybe 10 years ago. I had never seen or felt anything like, it so much love and healing was there. I have been back may times since then and every time the energy of the place has healed something inside me, it is the only place in the world I say this about. I wanted to go back and was looking at the schedule at Esalen when I saw Richard Freeman’s name. I did not need much more then this but when I read the retreat was in silence I was in. I booked immediately and bought my plane ticket right then. OK so I did not know any of the other teachers or really what was going to happen but I figured a week in Big Sur would be amazing.

A few months & one long plane ride later I was walking around Monterey breathing in the other ocean’s air and feeling pretty fucking happy. I met Shelly and the others in the van on the way down the coast and not one of them was going with Richard as their main interest. At this point I start asking about the other teachers (I had not even goggled them) and everyone started in with these stories about how amazing they are.

4 teachers & we had each 1x a day

we were split into 2 groups depending on length of practice

silence except question time just before dinner

1 question time with each teacher over the week

retreat title “Yoga and Buddhism”

Teachers: Richard Freeman, Sarah Powers, Tias Little, Patricia Sullivan

The first and biggest impression that was made on me was the compassion and love these teachers had for all of us. I had never seen Buddhism embodied in this way. This was not your typical “I have to do what’s best for me in this moment” while I shit on everyone else, kind of spirituality. There was not the exclusivity with the air of superiority I had seen in other spiritual circles. Some pure love was there and I was intrigued to say the very least.

After the first class with Sarah my life was changed and there was no going back. There was however question time. I explained that have some grounded practices in my life that bring tremendous benefit but I still end up in these moments where I feel like my brain/self/something has been hijacked and I can not behave in the way that I know my true self wants to. It is in these moments that I like I have no control and no idea what to do about it. For me it was mostly around food and patience. I felt very vulnerable/embarrassed asking this question to someone I did not know in a room full of people who did not know me. Sarah smiled a smile that felt like a hug and said “has anyone else ever felt that way?” every hand in the room went up and I was no longer alone. She went on to explain the mindfulness practices, what they do, and how to practice them. I have been practicing them daily, many times a day, since that moment.

The silence allows things to work their way up maybe even work it out but certainly there is benefit that comes from not speaking all the time. In talking I solidify my stories so much so that I believe them. In silence I am able to observe the rising and passing of thoughts, emotions, beliefs…

One evening after Tias’s Dharma talk I asked about faith. I don’t understand faith within a practice where there is no God. I asked if he could possibly mention it tomorrow. He paused a moment and then said “start by having faith in your life”. I sat with it that night and then again alone in the mineral baths at 4 the next morning. As I watched the white of the waves, the electric shine of the shooting starts, and ran my fingers back and forth over the wet rocks something shifted. An understanding sank deep inside me that I have no language to explain, it just was. It very very much was and it is as I sit here now.

I soaked up every moment of that week. I allowed every Dharma talk way in, every sitting or moving practice I was present for in a new way.

I cannot explain Buddhism to you, or the mindfulness practices, I am not a meditation teacher. I can recommend books like Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach or A policy of Kindness by the Dalai Lama. I can express my deepest gratitude to these teachers who have shown so much light into my life, into my heart. I can feel my bandwidth of inclusively and compassion growing. I have a very strong/sweet interest in cultivating Bodhicitta.

I am so blessed to have this time now in Mysore not only to practice Ashtanga Yoga with my teacher and this amazing community of practitioners but also to sit. I read some things then I sit with them. I talk a little, being mindful with my words and sit with that too. My low back (between L4&L5 & QLs) is screaming pretty loud so I sit with it and all it brings up. Last night I sat with Simon and we drink our New Years Eve tea and spoke of the past year of our lives.

I made no resolution this morning just read from “Essence of the Heart Sutra” the Dalai Lama’s heart of wisdom teachings and then sat for some time.

Day 1

Words sometimes run out my mouth, “the truth falls out before you can catch it sometimes” Liza tells me.

As I sat this morning before asana practice I could feel the expectations burning a bit in the chest. I could feel the vibration from the work, the building of the walls of my construct of inadequacy. As the thoughts, the words run across the brain, burned over the chest, and settled nicely in the lumbar spine I quietly observed.

The travel to India to this small town was easy, the friend who met me at the gate was warm. She made me tea and offered a place to sleep. Why it is in life I am constantly gifted these friends, these sentient beings who love and nurture me--I will never understand, I suppose. It is not lost on me, not taken for granted in my heart or heavy head as I lay it down in the hands the feet of grace.

NYC offered the most beautiful send off. My last week was filled with love, support, and dancing. It was the first time I was ever a bit sad to be going to India, almost (almost) not wanting to go. To know she is there waiting for me makes me smile as I lay in the sun and read my books.

Trying not to eat before practice today was a bit much and by the time I made it to backbending some nausea was there. There are so many in the Shala so many practicing and Sharath was there till the end. I was gifted a warm smile and the chance to say thank you to my teacher. This chance, a moment to express my gratitude calms a bit the crazy inside.

There was a coconut after practice and some kind words with a friend I have not seen since last year. Kelly meets me and we walk for fruit and spices. We are making another batch of brown rice, cardamom, almond, vanilla and some other things milk. I have a fruit salad for breakfast followed by homemade chai. At this point there seems nothing more important to do then lay in the sun and read about mindfulness practices.

These practices, the mindfulness ones, have changed everything for me. Really everything. This is coming next writing…

Now I need to get Kelly out of the sun so we can make grape and fig smoothies.

I leave you with this for today, my first practice day in the room whose sweetness is matched by no other.

first public poem.

So i spaced this as best i could to give you an idea of how it is meant to be read, it's more meant to be heard than read but I am not ready to vlog yet.

I have been flirting with this idea, concept, and openness for sometime now.

No committed relationship, nothing to go public with, a bit on the underside,

my own side side.

I heard this word some time ago and have been rolling around in it ever since.

Tensegrity.

I have read the anatomy trains ideas about it the architectural explanations of it, then I dropped them to come up with my own meanings for someone else’s word. I don’t think you’re allowed to do that.

Moving floating integrity,

changing adapting humanity,

open and willing vulnerability,

“never not broken” solidarity, and a shoulder to cry on. I am quite sure you cannot do that.

I don’t suppose you ever come out the other side of something the same person who went in, I suppose it would be a waste if you did.

She wrote “Om Shanti to the dust”. I looked around and saw many gatherings of dust that need a little Om Shanti, so I applied it.

To look at this new person,

this not waiting anymore for old person to show up new person.

To float in this support, this moveable free feeling, laugh a bit because the shit of life is sort of funny

open feeling.

So I give a silent moment in honor of this passion, these transgressions, and that great mountain that I

did not die on.

Om Shanti to the dust...