Saturday

I don’t mind the smell of burning garbage as it comes in through my bedroom window this amazing Saturday morning. I can hear horns, birds singing, a train whistling, a scooter rolling past, someone sweeping, a men shouting what he is selling as he walks down the street, down my street 2a or 1a if you come from the other side.

Water boils very quickly here.

Lauren and I spend the afternoon like cats, napping and reading. I read on emptiness while she learns more about how our bodies work. Both very interested in under the obvious, or the naïve nature HHDL might say.

Sharath says I need “more force”. When I mention this to Susan before led she says, “You do look pretty relaxed”.

I wonder why my house does not have any water.

Saturday in Mysore. Yogis fill this little neighborhood and I ended up in a group of them last night and was up well past my bedtime. We talked about the last year of our lives and the things we don’t understand about this place. No asana practice today but many other things to work on no doubt.

The first two weeks here have had their challenges. Some tears have come some pains have increased. The pain is not wasted I feel the layers being pealed/pulled/ripped away, some rawness is exposed. I do believe in it as a vehicle for growth, something to slow me down and bring great awareness to single points. I move more mindfully now and try to “hold the hell out my bandhas” as Tim said (along with many other helpful things).

Yesterday was my first practice ever on the stage. Just in case your reading this and you have not been here before the stage is obviously in the front but in this practice you are always looking different ways, mainly down your nose, so the front is not really a front. What does happen though is Sharath ends up sitting very close during most of the practice. So every updog there he is, I can hear clearly everything he says, and I hope a bit of the magic falls onto me. As I write this I can hear my friends from last night laughing at me. I would not say that I worship him and I do no pretend to have any sort relationship with his children. I did however feel like the luckiest person in the world to be practicing next to his chair.

January 1

Never been too much of a new years person, don’t think there has ever been a resolution. Yesterday I sat at the kitchen table and started to list all of the things that were new in the last year. The list was crazy long. There were some small items and some pretty big ones, moving to a big new city in my old country and becoming part of a new country. Seems amazing looking back. There were also some cute ones like finally learning how to do my hair and what colors to wear on my face, I think this comes with moving to NYC. So many new friends, some new kinds of pain, and one retreat in California that changed the game completely.

As always I can only write from my experience and this one is so new also my understanding so small…

I sit with many hours on the clock to find the words to share with you this experience that for me is beyond language. So lets start in Cali and see what comes of it.

I first went to Big Sur with my mom, Phil, and Ali maybe 10 years ago. I had never seen or felt anything like, it so much love and healing was there. I have been back may times since then and every time the energy of the place has healed something inside me, it is the only place in the world I say this about. I wanted to go back and was looking at the schedule at Esalen when I saw Richard Freeman’s name. I did not need much more then this but when I read the retreat was in silence I was in. I booked immediately and bought my plane ticket right then. OK so I did not know any of the other teachers or really what was going to happen but I figured a week in Big Sur would be amazing.

A few months & one long plane ride later I was walking around Monterey breathing in the other ocean’s air and feeling pretty fucking happy. I met Shelly and the others in the van on the way down the coast and not one of them was going with Richard as their main interest. At this point I start asking about the other teachers (I had not even goggled them) and everyone started in with these stories about how amazing they are.

4 teachers & we had each 1x a day

we were split into 2 groups depending on length of practice

silence except question time just before dinner

1 question time with each teacher over the week

retreat title “Yoga and Buddhism”

Teachers: Richard Freeman, Sarah Powers, Tias Little, Patricia Sullivan

The first and biggest impression that was made on me was the compassion and love these teachers had for all of us. I had never seen Buddhism embodied in this way. This was not your typical “I have to do what’s best for me in this moment” while I shit on everyone else, kind of spirituality. There was not the exclusivity with the air of superiority I had seen in other spiritual circles. Some pure love was there and I was intrigued to say the very least.

After the first class with Sarah my life was changed and there was no going back. There was however question time. I explained that have some grounded practices in my life that bring tremendous benefit but I still end up in these moments where I feel like my brain/self/something has been hijacked and I can not behave in the way that I know my true self wants to. It is in these moments that I like I have no control and no idea what to do about it. For me it was mostly around food and patience. I felt very vulnerable/embarrassed asking this question to someone I did not know in a room full of people who did not know me. Sarah smiled a smile that felt like a hug and said “has anyone else ever felt that way?” every hand in the room went up and I was no longer alone. She went on to explain the mindfulness practices, what they do, and how to practice them. I have been practicing them daily, many times a day, since that moment.

The silence allows things to work their way up maybe even work it out but certainly there is benefit that comes from not speaking all the time. In talking I solidify my stories so much so that I believe them. In silence I am able to observe the rising and passing of thoughts, emotions, beliefs…

One evening after Tias’s Dharma talk I asked about faith. I don’t understand faith within a practice where there is no God. I asked if he could possibly mention it tomorrow. He paused a moment and then said “start by having faith in your life”. I sat with it that night and then again alone in the mineral baths at 4 the next morning. As I watched the white of the waves, the electric shine of the shooting starts, and ran my fingers back and forth over the wet rocks something shifted. An understanding sank deep inside me that I have no language to explain, it just was. It very very much was and it is as I sit here now.

I soaked up every moment of that week. I allowed every Dharma talk way in, every sitting or moving practice I was present for in a new way.

I cannot explain Buddhism to you, or the mindfulness practices, I am not a meditation teacher. I can recommend books like Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach or A policy of Kindness by the Dalai Lama. I can express my deepest gratitude to these teachers who have shown so much light into my life, into my heart. I can feel my bandwidth of inclusively and compassion growing. I have a very strong/sweet interest in cultivating Bodhicitta.

I am so blessed to have this time now in Mysore not only to practice Ashtanga Yoga with my teacher and this amazing community of practitioners but also to sit. I read some things then I sit with them. I talk a little, being mindful with my words and sit with that too. My low back (between L4&L5 & QLs) is screaming pretty loud so I sit with it and all it brings up. Last night I sat with Simon and we drink our New Years Eve tea and spoke of the past year of our lives.

I made no resolution this morning just read from “Essence of the Heart Sutra” the Dalai Lama’s heart of wisdom teachings and then sat for some time.

Day 1

Words sometimes run out my mouth, “the truth falls out before you can catch it sometimes” Liza tells me.

As I sat this morning before asana practice I could feel the expectations burning a bit in the chest. I could feel the vibration from the work, the building of the walls of my construct of inadequacy. As the thoughts, the words run across the brain, burned over the chest, and settled nicely in the lumbar spine I quietly observed.

The travel to India to this small town was easy, the friend who met me at the gate was warm. She made me tea and offered a place to sleep. Why it is in life I am constantly gifted these friends, these sentient beings who love and nurture me--I will never understand, I suppose. It is not lost on me, not taken for granted in my heart or heavy head as I lay it down in the hands the feet of grace.

NYC offered the most beautiful send off. My last week was filled with love, support, and dancing. It was the first time I was ever a bit sad to be going to India, almost (almost) not wanting to go. To know she is there waiting for me makes me smile as I lay in the sun and read my books.

Trying not to eat before practice today was a bit much and by the time I made it to backbending some nausea was there. There are so many in the Shala so many practicing and Sharath was there till the end. I was gifted a warm smile and the chance to say thank you to my teacher. This chance, a moment to express my gratitude calms a bit the crazy inside.

There was a coconut after practice and some kind words with a friend I have not seen since last year. Kelly meets me and we walk for fruit and spices. We are making another batch of brown rice, cardamom, almond, vanilla and some other things milk. I have a fruit salad for breakfast followed by homemade chai. At this point there seems nothing more important to do then lay in the sun and read about mindfulness practices.

These practices, the mindfulness ones, have changed everything for me. Really everything. This is coming next writing…

Now I need to get Kelly out of the sun so we can make grape and fig smoothies.

I leave you with this for today, my first practice day in the room whose sweetness is matched by no other.

first public poem.

So i spaced this as best i could to give you an idea of how it is meant to be read, it's more meant to be heard than read but I am not ready to vlog yet.

I have been flirting with this idea, concept, and openness for sometime now.

No committed relationship, nothing to go public with, a bit on the underside,

my own side side.

I heard this word some time ago and have been rolling around in it ever since.

Tensegrity.

I have read the anatomy trains ideas about it the architectural explanations of it, then I dropped them to come up with my own meanings for someone else’s word. I don’t think you’re allowed to do that.

Moving floating integrity,

changing adapting humanity,

open and willing vulnerability,

“never not broken” solidarity, and a shoulder to cry on. I am quite sure you cannot do that.

I don’t suppose you ever come out the other side of something the same person who went in, I suppose it would be a waste if you did.

She wrote “Om Shanti to the dust”. I looked around and saw many gatherings of dust that need a little Om Shanti, so I applied it.

To look at this new person,

this not waiting anymore for old person to show up new person.

To float in this support, this moveable free feeling, laugh a bit because the shit of life is sort of funny

open feeling.

So I give a silent moment in honor of this passion, these transgressions, and that great mountain that I

did not die on.

Om Shanti to the dust...

Summer

I went to the beach here for the first time on the Friday before the 4^th of July. It was my first 4^th in the US in many years, I felt American. We swam and lay in the sun, ate bagels, and rode our bikes home. It was a perfect Friday. Saturday we went to the Hotel Chelsea, because it’s the Hotel Chelsea. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hotel_Chelsea

So many amazing creative things happened there, it was like sleeping in a museum. We spent the weekend in Manhattan because we could, saw shows and eat our way around the little island. The weekend rounded out with staying up all night and getting a hug from Amma. It was a perfect NY weekend, I still cannot believe I get to live here.

I have been apt hunting and it is some form of hell. It’s hard to find a space in this overly full place. I look inside and see if there is space there, if I am seeing this inside outside mirror. Is the cost higher inside then it is for me out there? Can I see what I want or is my mom a bit more right then I realize when she tells me I want it all… It seems I am as blessed here as I have ever been with good friends, strong souls who support me when I am quite beyond my depth.

Stacy told me to have an espresso today so I could wake up, she tells me a lot of things I find quite true. She asks me if my choices are going to lead me to be all I can be tomorrow, not for others but for me.

I have been able to see so many friends as they pass through, as we stick together. It makes the world seem small, intimate. My world here is small. I wake up, practice, teach, eat, nap, chat, teach, eat, read, and go to bed. Elizabeth takes me on adventures. We cross the water (go to Manhattan), drive to the beach, she even took me to Yale. I love adventures and I love NY. She has her rainy days, I was told she tries to push you out to be sure you deserve to stay. This I understand. It has been hot here, like summers I remember from Michigan, I love summer. There is a culture to it, a go out dancing till 4 and walk home and be warm thing to it. A warm down to your bones softness to it, a soften kapotasana opening to it. It makes me feel safe.

I have been invited to take the oath of citizenship for Canada. Patriotism expanded. I am so pleased to have another country, to have been adopted, to be Canadian. I am told the ceremony is quiet moving, some tears are coming. My tears come more easily now, progress, intimacy expanded.

So many things happen here and I need to write more of them down to share, life seems to happen faster now. I love Brooklyn. I feel as at home here as I have anywhere. I miss the mountains some days but for this time my view, my new fire escape to climb down is good for me (and by good I mean pretty fucking fantastic). I get to live here.

Brooklyn, a love story.

Brooklyn, a love story.

It began the same as many great romances, a warm evening….. Love at first sight. I am a born romantic, I love simple love stories. I arrived here one month ago and so I suppose this must still be in the infatuation stage. I look around everyday waiting for the striking beauty to loose its effect. When I think I may get comfortable with the beauty we go to Dumbo (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dumbo,_Brooklyn) for dinner and I see the Brooklyn Bridge, Statue of Liberty, and cobble stone streets. I buy a pineapple. My neighborhood is Williamsburg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Williamsburg,_Brooklyn) mainly known for being where artists live. Like everything this is changing, the rents are going up and artists have to move further out, I love it here. On my way home from the J, the train I take to Soho, I walk through what seems to be Puerto Rico. When I go to the back to deposit the rent check in my landlords account I am the only non Hasidic Jew in the place. Out my door you hear Spanish, out my window you can hear the train, you can see the East River. Walk down Bedford Ave and you can get whatever you like, it’s all here. I had vegan pizza and a vegan doughnut delivered last night, best ladies holiday ever. This love keeps growing.

I started teaching yoga again last week and this week took over Ashtanga Yoga Brooklyn from the amazing Elise Espat. She is moving on to her next adventure and mine is just beginning here, and thanks to some mutual friends we found each other. I have a whole 2-minute commute to work. I bought my first rode bike, it weighs less then my yoga mat, we too are in love.

There are so many amazing things around each corner, literally each corner. One thing is the CSA, I will be getting my fruit and veggies directly from the farm for the next 22 weeks. We pay first so the farm can do what they need to do and then every Wednesday my food is delivered. The pick up spot is one block from my work, all my veggies are grown in NY. I am growing in NY.

I practice now before I teach. I get up at 4am and make my way to the studio on my bike. I am alone, feeling so alone and so connected. It feels like a different practice, like something greater has been tapped into. It is a different practice. I have had to look deeper to see the truth of it for myself. I feel so blessed. Elise and I talked about the strength that comes from this sort of practice, gifts hand delivered discipline. I am sad she is leaving, the students in Albuquerque have some karma. I think of Kino practicing in her parent’s garage, Emily riding her bike in the middle of winter, seeing Harmony and Jeff at the Shala in -30 weather, of Sharath up in the night practicing. I have so much inspiration to draw from, thank you.

I have heard it said many different ways, this idea that if you have the courage to do what it is that you really want that something greater comes along to help you. I don’t know if it’s something outside or deep within but it has certainly come together here better then I ever could have imagined. I do not suppose it matters what it is so much, I will accept my gifts with gratitude and be thankful I am given opportunities to pass it along.

NYC makes me smile.

My first morning in New York I thought I would see how many smiles I could give out, before I did not get one back. That was a week ago and still every smile has come back, some with a “good morning”. There was one moment on the subway when I thought my smile might have been a bit much but it all worked out.

It has been a dream of mine for some time to move to this city to experience this energy. I walk up the stairs onto the street and a bit of my breath is taken away by the beauty. In spring it is easy to be carried along, there is a warm breeze here, and gentle sun. I seem to have been given many soft landings after big jumps. The city is no less amazing then I imagined it to be, it may be even a bit better. Eddie’s room feels very calm with much focus. I do not feel a need to push but there is an expectation in the air that you are doing your best. There is a mini retreat with Eddie and his wife next weekend, I am so glad I made it here in time.

My roommate is so lovely. She could not be any more understanding of me being a vegan and how that plays out in our kitchen. Her parents are visiting at the moment and I notice how much I enjoy having more people around. I think I used to need more alone time and now I find more joy with many people around. There were always people around when I was growing up, I see now the more childish joys returning.

I feel very simple and calm in this big city. I feel a spring season happening inside as well as out. I understand the settling of India into a sheet of underlining compassion. Once again I have been given more blessings then I know what to do with, so I will do my best to pass them on.