Day 1

Words sometimes run out my mouth, “the truth falls out before you can catch it sometimes” Liza tells me.

As I sat this morning before asana practice I could feel the expectations burning a bit in the chest. I could feel the vibration from the work, the building of the walls of my construct of inadequacy. As the thoughts, the words run across the brain, burned over the chest, and settled nicely in the lumbar spine I quietly observed.

The travel to India to this small town was easy, the friend who met me at the gate was warm. She made me tea and offered a place to sleep. Why it is in life I am constantly gifted these friends, these sentient beings who love and nurture me--I will never understand, I suppose. It is not lost on me, not taken for granted in my heart or heavy head as I lay it down in the hands the feet of grace.

NYC offered the most beautiful send off. My last week was filled with love, support, and dancing. It was the first time I was ever a bit sad to be going to India, almost (almost) not wanting to go. To know she is there waiting for me makes me smile as I lay in the sun and read my books.

Trying not to eat before practice today was a bit much and by the time I made it to backbending some nausea was there. There are so many in the Shala so many practicing and Sharath was there till the end. I was gifted a warm smile and the chance to say thank you to my teacher. This chance, a moment to express my gratitude calms a bit the crazy inside.

There was a coconut after practice and some kind words with a friend I have not seen since last year. Kelly meets me and we walk for fruit and spices. We are making another batch of brown rice, cardamom, almond, vanilla and some other things milk. I have a fruit salad for breakfast followed by homemade chai. At this point there seems nothing more important to do then lay in the sun and read about mindfulness practices.

These practices, the mindfulness ones, have changed everything for me. Really everything. This is coming next writing…

Now I need to get Kelly out of the sun so we can make grape and fig smoothies.

I leave you with this for today, my first practice day in the room whose sweetness is matched by no other.

first public poem.

So i spaced this as best i could to give you an idea of how it is meant to be read, it's more meant to be heard than read but I am not ready to vlog yet.

I have been flirting with this idea, concept, and openness for sometime now.

No committed relationship, nothing to go public with, a bit on the underside,

my own side side.

I heard this word some time ago and have been rolling around in it ever since.

Tensegrity.

I have read the anatomy trains ideas about it the architectural explanations of it, then I dropped them to come up with my own meanings for someone else’s word. I don’t think you’re allowed to do that.

Moving floating integrity,

changing adapting humanity,

open and willing vulnerability,

“never not broken” solidarity, and a shoulder to cry on. I am quite sure you cannot do that.

I don’t suppose you ever come out the other side of something the same person who went in, I suppose it would be a waste if you did.

She wrote “Om Shanti to the dust”. I looked around and saw many gatherings of dust that need a little Om Shanti, so I applied it.

To look at this new person,

this not waiting anymore for old person to show up new person.

To float in this support, this moveable free feeling, laugh a bit because the shit of life is sort of funny

open feeling.

So I give a silent moment in honor of this passion, these transgressions, and that great mountain that I

did not die on.

Om Shanti to the dust...

Summer

I went to the beach here for the first time on the Friday before the 4^th of July. It was my first 4^th in the US in many years, I felt American. We swam and lay in the sun, ate bagels, and rode our bikes home. It was a perfect Friday. Saturday we went to the Hotel Chelsea, because it’s the Hotel Chelsea. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hotel_Chelsea

So many amazing creative things happened there, it was like sleeping in a museum. We spent the weekend in Manhattan because we could, saw shows and eat our way around the little island. The weekend rounded out with staying up all night and getting a hug from Amma. It was a perfect NY weekend, I still cannot believe I get to live here.

I have been apt hunting and it is some form of hell. It’s hard to find a space in this overly full place. I look inside and see if there is space there, if I am seeing this inside outside mirror. Is the cost higher inside then it is for me out there? Can I see what I want or is my mom a bit more right then I realize when she tells me I want it all… It seems I am as blessed here as I have ever been with good friends, strong souls who support me when I am quite beyond my depth.

Stacy told me to have an espresso today so I could wake up, she tells me a lot of things I find quite true. She asks me if my choices are going to lead me to be all I can be tomorrow, not for others but for me.

I have been able to see so many friends as they pass through, as we stick together. It makes the world seem small, intimate. My world here is small. I wake up, practice, teach, eat, nap, chat, teach, eat, read, and go to bed. Elizabeth takes me on adventures. We cross the water (go to Manhattan), drive to the beach, she even took me to Yale. I love adventures and I love NY. She has her rainy days, I was told she tries to push you out to be sure you deserve to stay. This I understand. It has been hot here, like summers I remember from Michigan, I love summer. There is a culture to it, a go out dancing till 4 and walk home and be warm thing to it. A warm down to your bones softness to it, a soften kapotasana opening to it. It makes me feel safe.

I have been invited to take the oath of citizenship for Canada. Patriotism expanded. I am so pleased to have another country, to have been adopted, to be Canadian. I am told the ceremony is quiet moving, some tears are coming. My tears come more easily now, progress, intimacy expanded.

So many things happen here and I need to write more of them down to share, life seems to happen faster now. I love Brooklyn. I feel as at home here as I have anywhere. I miss the mountains some days but for this time my view, my new fire escape to climb down is good for me (and by good I mean pretty fucking fantastic). I get to live here.

Brooklyn, a love story.

Brooklyn, a love story.

It began the same as many great romances, a warm evening….. Love at first sight. I am a born romantic, I love simple love stories. I arrived here one month ago and so I suppose this must still be in the infatuation stage. I look around everyday waiting for the striking beauty to loose its effect. When I think I may get comfortable with the beauty we go to Dumbo (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dumbo,_Brooklyn) for dinner and I see the Brooklyn Bridge, Statue of Liberty, and cobble stone streets. I buy a pineapple. My neighborhood is Williamsburg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Williamsburg,_Brooklyn) mainly known for being where artists live. Like everything this is changing, the rents are going up and artists have to move further out, I love it here. On my way home from the J, the train I take to Soho, I walk through what seems to be Puerto Rico. When I go to the back to deposit the rent check in my landlords account I am the only non Hasidic Jew in the place. Out my door you hear Spanish, out my window you can hear the train, you can see the East River. Walk down Bedford Ave and you can get whatever you like, it’s all here. I had vegan pizza and a vegan doughnut delivered last night, best ladies holiday ever. This love keeps growing.

I started teaching yoga again last week and this week took over Ashtanga Yoga Brooklyn from the amazing Elise Espat. She is moving on to her next adventure and mine is just beginning here, and thanks to some mutual friends we found each other. I have a whole 2-minute commute to work. I bought my first rode bike, it weighs less then my yoga mat, we too are in love.

There are so many amazing things around each corner, literally each corner. One thing is the CSA, I will be getting my fruit and veggies directly from the farm for the next 22 weeks. We pay first so the farm can do what they need to do and then every Wednesday my food is delivered. The pick up spot is one block from my work, all my veggies are grown in NY. I am growing in NY.

I practice now before I teach. I get up at 4am and make my way to the studio on my bike. I am alone, feeling so alone and so connected. It feels like a different practice, like something greater has been tapped into. It is a different practice. I have had to look deeper to see the truth of it for myself. I feel so blessed. Elise and I talked about the strength that comes from this sort of practice, gifts hand delivered discipline. I am sad she is leaving, the students in Albuquerque have some karma. I think of Kino practicing in her parent’s garage, Emily riding her bike in the middle of winter, seeing Harmony and Jeff at the Shala in -30 weather, of Sharath up in the night practicing. I have so much inspiration to draw from, thank you.

I have heard it said many different ways, this idea that if you have the courage to do what it is that you really want that something greater comes along to help you. I don’t know if it’s something outside or deep within but it has certainly come together here better then I ever could have imagined. I do not suppose it matters what it is so much, I will accept my gifts with gratitude and be thankful I am given opportunities to pass it along.

NYC makes me smile.

My first morning in New York I thought I would see how many smiles I could give out, before I did not get one back. That was a week ago and still every smile has come back, some with a “good morning”. There was one moment on the subway when I thought my smile might have been a bit much but it all worked out.

It has been a dream of mine for some time to move to this city to experience this energy. I walk up the stairs onto the street and a bit of my breath is taken away by the beauty. In spring it is easy to be carried along, there is a warm breeze here, and gentle sun. I seem to have been given many soft landings after big jumps. The city is no less amazing then I imagined it to be, it may be even a bit better. Eddie’s room feels very calm with much focus. I do not feel a need to push but there is an expectation in the air that you are doing your best. There is a mini retreat with Eddie and his wife next weekend, I am so glad I made it here in time.

My roommate is so lovely. She could not be any more understanding of me being a vegan and how that plays out in our kitchen. Her parents are visiting at the moment and I notice how much I enjoy having more people around. I think I used to need more alone time and now I find more joy with many people around. There were always people around when I was growing up, I see now the more childish joys returning.

I feel very simple and calm in this big city. I feel a spring season happening inside as well as out. I understand the settling of India into a sheet of underlining compassion. Once again I have been given more blessings then I know what to do with, so I will do my best to pass them on.

If you want mangoes...

Carolina says “you’re not going to get mangoes from an apple tree, if you want mangoes plant a mango tree”. I smile because I feel so connected to her in this understanding, this optimism… So much choice.

We watch Sex in The City 2, really just to see the girls and NYC. We talk about men, mostly what we think it means to be a man. We are four women. Over pizza Dana says she wants to be a good role model, and I think I hope to be like her when I am that age, not that I am far off. Pizza brings up relationships too and I am inspired by those who work hard but can see my energy for this is low. Rachel opened her home to me in a way that made feel completely at home, my friend karma is over the top.

From the top I can see the other side, more so I can feel the other side. I feel on the other side. I feel at home here in the beautiful bedroom listening to the children in the bathroom, they have been in there for some time. Sometimes I have wondered what these last years have been about, what this confusion has been about. I have the feeling of taking rest after the practice. You can take rest anytime but it never feels so good as after you have done your full practice. The peace, the gentle buzz that comes over the body, the feelings of floating off the earth, for me these are the sensations of taking rest. I feel as though the last 4 years have been this amazing, long, challenging, rewarding, and expanding practice. Now I feel the buzz of rest, the gentle lift from below. After the work of India and the closing of a chapter in Calgary I can feel the center of my center, I can see what I want. While desirelessness is something to move toward it can feel very refreshing to have desires, to want, to move about. I love Calgary and am happy to have had the chance to live there and be saved by friends there so many times. Leaving I had only to regret that I did not plan the visit for longer but this is a pattern I see clearly inside myself. I must also say that I really really loved by bike and smile so big when I think so cute Em riding around town on it. Everyday I receive more love then I give and this inspires me to be more loving and generous with my smile.

I will spend another week in MI then on to the next chapter, the next season of this amazing life.

Thank you I love you.

Peace

My alarm went off at 4:30 this morning, same as every other day but different. This morning when I heard the alarm by body jumped with panic and I noticed I was crying. I went to the washroom and got dressed for yoga, there were still some tears when I left the house at 5 (or is it five? Lauren would know). I spent much of the weekend on the tele talking with old friends, remembering how soothing that can be how quickly people take you in.

When I was in Purple Valley (or is it Purple Heaven? Tim would know), I had the amazing opportunity to teach with Kino and Tim. I adjusted after my practice during the retreat and it was a blessing on top of a blessing, sort of like the sautéed pineapple I had on top of my coconut bliss last night. I was able to reconnect to teaching yoga but in a backseat sort of way. It be able to assist is someone else’s room, for me, in that moment, was perfect. I love to teach yoga to share what has given so much, I am just not sure how yet. Tomorrow I will teach my brother and sister-in-law, this makes me smile.

I have been back in MI for a week and a half and my body now knows the night from the day. I have been taken care of in the way that my truly amazing family does, and again I learn how to receive. I have been studying with Matthew Darling and loving every moment. I have never heard anyone sound so much like Guruji when leading the opening mantra, so firm and calming. I still stretch before practice and take a block for back bending, this is when Matthew tells me to “lay an egg”. I am constantly being remimded to “keep my heart open and look forward”, this is something I love to hear.

I am beginning to understand that tears are the way I let go. I know that yoga brings it up, and then my shit has a tendency of getting stuck. It sticks in my chest until the tears are ready to carry it out. There has been much anxiety present about ending my time in Calgary. There are so many things I will miss about living there, the mountains and the fresh air will remain a part of me. I already miss walking with great people in the wild of Alberta. I have always said that Calgary makes up for the cold weather by having the warmest people. I cannot say enough about the yoga community. People are so supportive and really take care of each other, I am sad to be leaving this behind. I know that what ever is next in life will be a needed challenge but it is hard to imagine a more genuine community then the one I have been so blessed to be a part of for the last years. It feels strange to be closing this chapter and not knowing what the next will be, this too is a big part of the challenge. There are also my pool friends, more fun than I will write here. I know that there are great people everywhere but in this moment I feel really lucky to have spent the last few years with the ones in Calgary. I learn more each day about shifting perspective and allowing gratitude to bring peace.

It would be a lie to say I have no regrets in life but I never regret telling the truth. I tell more of the truth to myself everyday, perhaps in time this will allow things to move through with out so much resistance.

Today I will stand back and see what my karma is, just the way I watch yours.

I will be in Calgary for a week and then back to Michigan to decide where to spend the summer….